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Upgrades ?

A message from our computer department........

Wife ver. 1.0 Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system
resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in
the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him
that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system
activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and
PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system
when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation
of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8, and the BrotherInLaw Beta
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: A "Don't Remind
Me Again" button, a "Minimize" button, an install shield feature that
allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime
without the loss of Cache and other system resources, and an option to run the
network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems'
hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife
1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend
1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 FIRST. Other users say this is a
long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use
of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by
now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't
work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the
Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually
popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife
BUG WARNING Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney
files before doing the uninstall itself. THEN... Mistress 1.1 will refuse
to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK AROUNDS To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1
on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as
Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have
been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider
under an anonymous name, Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

                                          Chemical Analysis of Women


    ELEMENT: Women
    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg

    OCCURRENCES: Abundant quantities in all areas.

    1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
    5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range
           of precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning
           and for no known reason.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases
           greatly by saturation in alcohol.
    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    2. Very effective cleaning agents.

    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
           in natural state.
    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although
           several can be maintained at different locations as
           long as specimens do not come in direct contact
           with each other.

Six reasons computers must be female...

 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.

 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as:
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay-cheque on accessories for

However, a group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as if they were male.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better

 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.

 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

    1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

    2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your
    boss is a different gender than you are.)

    3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." or "No I'm sorry, I'm going
to have
    to disagree with you there, Chachi."

    4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

    5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.

    6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

    7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.

    9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
During the
    meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

    10. Insist that your e-mail address be:

    11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.

    12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail
to a
    co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

    13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.

    14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

    15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

    16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

    18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and
see how many you
    can catch in your mouth.

    19. Send e-mail messages saying "free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the
lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat
    stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

    20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.